My First Pregnancy

I remember being really grouchy. I was feeling cramps so I thought my period was here and frankly I was pissed off! I thought I'm not pregnant again and that anger spurred me on to call the fertility clinic and make an appointment. The weekend went by and no period so I took a pregnancy test not expecting it to be positive but it was. I was so excited. I called the clinic back and instead of going in for infertility I was going in for my first prenatal visit.
I went in when I was about 6 weeks along. Everything looked perfect, the doctor saw the heartbeat. Our baby was due on Valentines Day. We got pictures of this little dot that was our baby.
When I was almost 8 weeks I started spotting. Everyone was telling me that was normal. Something in my gut told me this wasn't normal. My doctor couldn't see me until tuesday and she said it was nothing. That spotting was normal. I really was freaking out so I called a doctor with my other health insurance and was able to see him on monday. He saw the heartbeat told me it could have just been a tear that caused the bleeding and gave me more pictures of my baby. I still didn't feel right about it. The spotting didn't stop. The next day I went to my normal doctor and she was quiet for awhile when she was looking for the heartbeat. Then she said there's no heartbeat your going to miscarry and walked out of the room. I remember just feeling stunned. Later on I was really mad at this doctor because I had never gone through a miscarriage. I didn't have any idea what to expect. I'll never forget the elevator ride down. My husband and I didn't talk. I made it all the way to our car before I started to cry.
I went home and my Dad was waiting outside for us. He was anxious to see if everything was alright. I told him there was no more heartbeat and he just hugged me. It was a couple of hours later when I started to get the cramps. These were no period cramps. This was so severe that I was literally bent over for three days. The pain would build and build and I wouldn't be able to talk or anything other than breathe until the pain dropped down again. Then it would build and build again every couple of minutes. My mom finally called my doctor to tell them how much pain I was in and what medicine I can take.
I know this next part might be gross so just skip over if you don't want to read. But I know that I desperately wanted to know exactly what I was going to go through and nobody told me. So here it is.... Besides the pain you also are bleeding like the heavy day on your period, except that you also have huge blood clots that come out of you. You can totally feel them coming out. That part doesn't hurt, it's just something you can feel. So you really want to be home or near a bathroom cause I can't imagine leaving something that big on your pad. I think the huge blood clots lasted like 4 days. So as far as a time line. Tuesday afternoon the horrible cramps and blood clots started. The cramps continued to get worse until thursday when the baby came out. When the baby came out the cramps lessened significantly. Yes I saw my baby. I went to the bathroom and wiped and I looked down and there was my baby. I remember thinking is this really what I'm seeing. If you go online and look up a picture of an 8 week old fetus that is exactly what it looked like. I laid it on a clean piece of toilet paper and took it outside to my husband. He didn't want to see it. The sac came out later that night.
When we first found out we were pregnant we had bought a ficus tree to plant so that it would grow with our baby. My husband suggested we bury the baby under the tree.
I had to go back to the doctor on Friday and they did some blood tests and found out that I was RH negative so I had to get a rhogam shot.
I remember thinking that Valentines Day would never be the same again. I couldn't imagine ever celebrating that day. I think I coped pretty well though. There were some nights when I would cry. This one girl at work obviously hadn't heard that I had miscarried came up to me and said "I heard congratulations are in order!". I had to tell her that I actually miscarried. I know she felt bad and I felt bad for her. That made me cry. I had a major meltdown the closer I got to my due date. They sent me home from work cause I was just sobbing. Going through the due date was the hardest part since the actual miscarriage.
That was four years ago. For the most part I can think about it now and not cry. But sometimes when I remember everything I went through and the emotions that I felt I'll cry. Going through Valentine's Day isn't hard like I had originally thought it would be. It's hard to think that if it would have worked out I would have a 3 year old with me right now.